Jimmy Stewart was my teen idol
Over the years, I noticed this on the periphery of Christmas, and the teachers drove the TV into the classroom to play the movie at the elementary school holiday party.
But the black fact of it-and-
Whiteness immediately made me think it was \"boring\" and instead, I chose to take a bite of the mini candy stick and pass notes in class who had spent her time so far.
Then, while I was in my second year of high school, I strolled through my parents\' living room and caught a glimpse of Jimmy Stewart\'s slow smile. It stopped me.
Who is this man\'s dream ship? Why don\'t we talk about him? Every day a year ago, my feelings turned to people like Christian Slater and Neil Patrick Harris ---
Every tick of bad boys and good boys (and gay boys) category usually marks a teen crush on a person.
But Jimmy Stewart is another obsession.
Yes, he is very handsome. -
Mouth full of mouth and flashing eyes-
But it\'s more of a fun, playful way.
This is a man whose voice sounds as if he is swallowing the tip of his tongue forever, and somehow, coming out of that face, it becomes very charming.
I don\'t have any sex in his feelings.
Unlike Christian Slater, I never imagined kissing him or having a slow dance with him more than words.
\"Intimacy is by no means part of fantasy.
I just want this tall, thin and kind person to knock on my door and hold the moon for me.
I\'m not ready to be attracted to a real adult. -
A person who has to shave every day, a person who is most likely to know how to kiss without biting his teeth.
At the age of 15, sex is still a vague concept. -
A confusing, disgusting, chaotic, strange addition that only intensifies when attending Catholic schools.
Once, I was intimate with a boy on a grass near the gym, right under the statue of the Virgin.
Later on, I couldn\'t fully decide whether it would make sin better or worse.
My safe, comfortable little Indiana world is so small that I know it will eventually crack and get my face into adulthood for the first time.
My driver\'s license is right in front of me.
One of my seven siblings, the oldest, was dragging a luggage custom backpacks to college, leaving a huge hole in the table, where we used to sit, and the elbows were tight.
My relationship with my father suddenly became stiff and awkward.
I talked to him in the script. speak --
All the sighs and mumbles mum.
I have recently learned that he has had a serious struggle with alcohol in all aspects of his life.
I am confused by this knowledge.
I have never seen him take a drink in my life and I always thought he liked iced tea very much.
I make him iced tea every night. -
A chore that used to annoy me when I put the powdery Nestea in the water tank and rotated it with a spoon.
But now, it seems to me that the whirlpool of darkness is even more vague.
This is new knowledge. -
My dad wasn\'t just my dad, he was driving us to school and was there specifically for Neil Diamond\'s \"We\'re coming to America, or when bats manage to slip down our chimney, drive them out of the house with a golf club.
He is an independent person with his own contradictions and experiences, and his life is over before I appear.
There is too much new knowledge.
The main message of all this is that life is actually unknown.
No one can tell me what my future will look like, what victory, romance or heavy sadness is hidden in my own story.
It was an idea to keep me awake at night, staring at the drooping canopy on my bed.
Who will I love, dear who will they love me? I\'ll hear the Indiana freight train honking, The Phantom emergency, and then I wonder why the sex scene in the movie dreamscape-
Dennis Qued lured Kate Capps on the train, and then the cobra man showed up ---
Why is this so exciting and strange to me? Is there something wrong with me? Do I have sex with reptiles. A few miles away, the train outside would pass, though they sounded like they were growling in my parents\' driveway.
I will lie as quietly as I can and wonder what will happen if I never leave my floral bed cover again.
There was no sexual relationship at Bedford Falls. This I knew.
When George and Mary tried to share a phone, there was only delicious electrical tension between them.
Their school dances are all white gloves and Charleston games.
When a boy tries to torture his dock worker against you, there is no \"Oh, I am good\" explosion from the stereo.
Police officer Bert never joked with taxi driver Ernie about \"fingerprint tapping\", no matter how beautiful the dress of risqéviollet was that night.
There is no problem with drinking unless you think it is understandable that the old man will drink after receiving a heartbreaking Telegram.
The main streets of Bedford Falls do not feature the plastic glow of Arby and Long John Silvers.
It was replaced by a cheerful soda fountain and a trusted Bailey Building and Loan.
I was so eager for this idyllic place and time that I could taste it almost and I drew all these angry desires to Jimmy Stewart.
One night, I wanted him to \"visit me\" while passing \".
Crossing my parents\' porch with his long legs . . . . . . Then freeze the time.
Make things simple and knowable again. To make them --if you will --
Black and white.
Of course, at Bedford Falls, there were also deaths during World War II.
The only person of color is a maid, and a woman is either married or destined to live as a sad, glasses-wearing librarian.
But this is not in 15-year-old me.
All I see is George Bailey\'s Voice \"won\'t Buffalo girls come out tonight ? \". . .
This is what I want to see.
I went to the local library and found Jimmy Stewart\'s address from leather
\"Who is who.
\"I wrote him a letter with scribbled cursive to let him know how grateful I am for his contribution to American films.
I mentioned that I sometimes want to be an actor myself, because I just took part in a fairly successful version of the book of the jungle in high school, and I was bouncing on stage, mascara on the nose and a safe tail --
Not on my sportswear.
I kept this letter very formal and had a self
Control not release all my mid-western teens to 80-year-
Of course I didn\'t tell him what he meant to me.
I have never thought about it. The Secret object I wrote was actually an old man.
In my mind, I am writing to Jimmy Stewart, my daydream, and my dream is not to allow walkers or the liver.
My mother did not make any comments about my newly chosen teen idol.
When I asked her to rent \"Philadelphia Story\" and \"Harvey\" on a local blockbuster, she just hid her smile.
She would hand me the tape along with the Cool Ranch Doritos custom backpacks I asked for, and then let me put myself in the room with my daydream.
She bought me a book about him on my birthday, a big cup of coffee --table-
Style handles his glossy photo of a smile next to Mink
When I looked through the page, my eyes went through words like \"good-looking\" and \"FBI informant\" and I closed it and stopped reading it.
I bought a huge antique at the flea market.
\"This is a beautiful life\" style poster.
I took \"Beetlejuice\" off the door of the bedroom and carefully drank Scotch whisky --
Record Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reid.
One morning in July, when I was 17 years old, I walked to the mailbox barefoot and was already thick by the humidity of the Ohio River.
My car was parked nearby and when I was looking through the catalogue and bills I was wondering where my friend and I were going that night.
Will we break into the quarry and swim to the station where we sell funny porn? Then suddenly, I found a small white envelope that was written to me.
Its postmark comes from Marina del Rey, California, and may also be \"Marina Del Rey, Mars \".
\"In my life, I can\'t think of who it might come from.
I took it apart with a small card covered in an unstable black font: \"Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful letter.
I wish you all the best in your acting work and a happy life!
I can\'t believe that my heart is jumping straight in my ear.
I completely forgot that I once wrote to that person!
If he really holds this card in his hand, and now it\'s in my hand, I imagine this old man Jimmy Stewart sitting somewhere under the California sun.
I imagined he had a blanket on his knee that looked no different than he was in the \"back window.
\"But this time, instead of fanmailing his murderous neighbor, he stared curiously at a fan letter from a young man in Indiana.
I stood on the hot sidewalk and got the cards shaking in my hands, which excited me.
George Bailey finally got my driveway fixed.
After all, he called!
However, it\'s too late.
He did not stop the time.
Now life makes me progress very fast.
I didn\'t know at the time, but after two months I will fall in love for the first time.
It will be a boy with his own flashing eyes, though his eyes are light brown.
I will lose his virginity in four months.
He will let me mix up the tape and write me some interesting poems.
A year and a half later, in my first week of college, he would suddenly die.
In a few years, my father and I will slowly learn how to talk again. -
It is mainly to laugh at each other\'s political tendencies.
But we will be very close in the end.
In 17 years, he will suffer from Alzheimer\'s disease.
I will sit by his bed and give him some water with a straw.
In order to give him another chance, I am willing to give everything.
13 years later, I will meet my husband in a shady bar in Lower East Side of Manhattan.
He would be Irish, dimples, would make me laugh so badly, and my eyes would shed tears.
We will have children together.
Singing in blue
The boy with eyes, his smile will make my heart feel like a fireworks show.
After 20 years, I will carefully pull that poster off the door of the bedroom.
It will hang there for decades.
Long after I went to college
A long time after I moved to New York, I moved to Europe.
Unlike George Bailey, I would kick the dust from that town off my feet and look at the world.
Or at least part of it.
When I take it down, it is slightly yellow from the sun.
I will take it back to my home in Brooklyn and hang it on the wall of my bedroom.
Lying in bed at night, I once again saw Jimmy Stewart\'s profile in the dark.
Although this time, my husband snores softly when my son\'s little hand gently holds my face.
Standing in the driveway of my parents, holding the trembling card-
I don\'t even know that.
I don\'t know what the movie I remembered a few years ago was about to tell me: time won\'t stop.
Life keeps moving forward;
The future is unknown.
Full of happy moments--
Kiss your true love Donna Reid for the first time.
Moments of great grief-
Your father died the night you kissed her.
But it\'s happy and sad-
The intersection of the two-
What makes life a mess is its huge mess.
Therefore, we remain brave and protect us by nothing but hope and luck through mystery.
But at the same time, you should know that there will be huge love in the story. And that --
This is the beauty of it.
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